We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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