told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
