He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
we're so committed to being not committed
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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