Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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