the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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