either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
