Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
