Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
