how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
