Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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