I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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