I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
