the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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