im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
