Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Come on in and take your pants off
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