nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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