mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
