I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
