Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
