I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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