I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
