turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
