I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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