His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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