I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
