Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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