left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
