I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
