Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
