I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
