THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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