do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
