im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just found a bag of teeth...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
