Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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