Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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