Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
