I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
