did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
