Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
