make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
