I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
