I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
