Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
