Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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