If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
