I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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