Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
