imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just want nice things and good sex
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
