Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
