I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
